PARTY / AMANDA STEIN
it’s easier to clean up after a party of one.
close the bag of doritos,
turn off netflix,
and it’s almost like
it never happened.
i long for the echo of laughter in my ears,
for glitter still pressed on my body,
for sweat that smells like someone else,
for a night that blurs into a day and back again
without my noticing.
but buzzfeed quizzes and pajamas are better.
i tell my therapist
and she nods
but i’ve seen her facebook
with wine in her hand and
her hair in her face and
a smile i’ve never felt.
i didn’t send her a request
because who friends their therapist
and anyway i don’t need another party
i’m not invited to.
i bring too many unwelcome guests
and there is only so much fun to go around.
they would swallow it whole
and still be hungry
and turn on my mind instead.
and, trust me, nothing kills a party
like a panic attack
or a flashback
or a suicide.
when netflix asks if i’m still watching i always say yes.
what i mean is
please don’t uninvite me too.
what i mean is
please, for once,
let me stay.
i promise that when i’m done
i will not leave a mess.
i promise that it will be
like i was never here
at all.
Amanda Kaye Stein is a poet, writer, visual artist, performer, and proud Slytherin. You can find her on YouTube, Twitter, and Instagram.